Tuesday, January 17, 2012

New Start

Today is the start of my new blog after months of debate I have decided to open myself and share my life.  I feel in some ways as though I have been living a secret and I am tired of keeping closed and tired of keeping much of it to myself.  Hopefully by speaking out I help others who share the same trials and tribulations.  So here is the start of my story (there's a large amount of background so I may do this over a few posts)...

Once upon a time a girl met a handsome prince, they fell madly in love and married.  There were no dragons to slay or evil witches and they thought their life was headed towards happily ever after...

Our first year of marriage we put off children because I was attending grad school for my M.B.A. and didn't want to put too much on my plate or our pocket book lol!  Shortly before graduating my husband and I started to try to have a baby.  I had never imagined that babies wouldn't come easily and so as each cycle passed I got more and more depressed and frustrated. 

At a family get together two years ago I had a feeling I was pregnant but I had felt "positive" before so didn't say anything to my husband so as not to get his hopes up (although he's usually kinda pessimistic so its hard to raise his hopes).  After our flight back home I had some spotting so figured - wrong again.  However I realized a week later that although I had spotting I had never started my cycle.  I took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE!!! I was over the moon!  I went to the doctor and got it confirmed.  They scheduled an early ultrasound because I had stopped tracking my period (remember the depression and frustration) so didn't know how far along I was.  At the ultrasound they thought I was maybe 5 weeks pregnant.  I started quietly asking around about OBs and my husband and I started window shopping and Babies R' Us.  Everyday my husband would kiss my belly and we would talk about what was happening in there.  We were getting ready to go to our hometown and let our families know when I found out my Mom was sick with pneumonia.  I wanted to be careful so I told her we couldn't come down and when she asked why I admitted over the phone that I was pregnant.  She screamed and I think I may still have hearing loss today because of it (just kidding Mom).  Because I had told her I called my Mother-in-law and let her know as well.  She was so happy!  Unfortunately our baby story did not have a happy ending.

Less than a week after I told our family and a few close friends, I started spotting and then bleeding pretty badly.  I went to my OB and she confirmed that I was having a miscarriage.  I went through 3 days of intense pain as I tried to "naturally" miscarry.  When I went back to the OB she was horrified that I hadn't come in sooner.  She did an exam and recommended and D&C that afternoon.  My husband came to take me to the hospital and then back home.  I was devastated, we were devastated.  The stupidest things would set me off crying and my husband was there every time, holding me.  I don't know what I would have done without his support.

It had taken us over a year to get pregnant the first time so three months after the miscarriage I went to my OB/GYN and told her I was tired of waiting and what tests and things could we do to better understand the problem and increase my chances of getting pregnant...


  1. While I can't speak to infertility, I understand that loss that you are feeling. Losing a pregnancy is so difficult. I found that every telling of my story has made it easier to live with. Keep it up.

    1. Katie, I agree, I thought it would be difficult to talk about but I feel more free when I tell my story. People have been great - not judgemental and incredibly supportive.