Moving forward

Sorry my last post was bare, there were a couple reasons for that.  First of all, I did that post from my phone and my phone only lets me enter text into the title not the post body.  Second, when I got home I just wasn't feeling in the mood to open up and talk about it with everyone.  Lastly I thought it kinda demonstrated the void I felt inside.  One thing I have always wanted is to be a mom, and it is so frustrating to hit roadblock after roadblock.

Thursday I went into ARMS to have my blood test, the nurse asked me if I had cheated (used a home pregnancy test). I told her "no" but the truth is I would have if I had a had a test at home but I was all out.  All day I waited and the longer I waited the more I expected bad news.  I think if it is positive news they call you right away but if it is bad news they wait until they have more time...  I don't know if that is how it really works but it is how it seems.  I wish they would just call right away - worrying about it all day just causes more stress and anxiety.  When I got the news from Dr. Moffitt I cried but to tell you the truth I think I knew deep down and that's why I had been having so many doubts lately. 

When I got home it got even harder.  Handsome got home and gave me a big hug.  Then he went to the gym.  It felt like he was avoiding me and when he got back it seemed even more so.  He barely said a word to me and didn't spend more than 5 minutes in the room with me.  At first I got mad and decided I would give him the silent treatment but soon figured out that we needed to communicate.  I asked him "what are you doing?!"  He asked what I meant and I said he didn't want to seem to be in the same room with me and wouldn't talk to me.  I asked if he was angry with me.  I had started crying and he came over and held me and said he wasn't angry at me.  He just held me for a while.  Afterwards we talked a bit and he said how frustrating he finds it and it makes him mad at the whole process.  He loves me though and as her said "he won't sell me to gypsies".  I told him I needed a bit more support and enthusiasm in the future (despite his inherent negativity) and he said he would try.  We decided to move into the next cycle as soon as possible so I stopped the Crinone (yay!) and and staying on the estradiol and levothyroxine.  I will call with my CD1 and they will give me a schedule.  We will have the transfer just after our anniversary trip so I should be nice a relaxed and ready.

We watched "What To Expect When You're Expecting" on Friday and kept laughing and teasing each other "that's how you will be!" It was a good movie although I thought they were a little light on some of the harder subjects.  I don't want to put any spoilers in here but one story in particular even Handsome thought was unrealistic.  Thank you to everyone who has sent me words of encouragement or support I appreciate it.  This was my cheat weekend, I had lots of wine (kinda thought I deserved it) and bad-for-me food but here on out I'm going to try and eat and stay healthy to make my body ready for next time.  ttyl

I think I've posted this before but it's home that keeps me going on, that and the support of friends family and most of all Handsome.

Hope is the Thing with Feathers by Emily Dickinson
"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me."