Fair

The doctor called this afternoon and the test was negative.  It wasn't a shock because I will admit that we cheated and had taken some HPTs (Home Pregnancy Tests) that had also shown up as negative so we knew what the result would be.  I was much more upset yesterday after our HPT negative results but have moved on to acceptance today.

Of course we are disappointed and frustrated.  There have been times through out this process (like yesterday and parts of today) where I have been a very bitter and hateful person.  Not quite wishing hurt on others but definitely not being happy for their joy.  I want to scream at the universe that its just not FAIR.  Why do crack addicts and people who neglect or beat their children get pregnant but I can't?  I see children getting pregnant and I can't.  It seems so unfair that we, who are emotionally, mentally and financially able to care for a child should have such problems having one!  We have WORKED at this.  I have been on fertility drugs of one kind or another for years, we have done Clomid, we did IUI, we did I freakin' V freakin' F!  We have had three transfers!  And then I hear, like an echo from my childhood - "Life isn't fair".  And it isn't.  But this can be hard to get negative after negative result. 

However, if you were to ask most people they would tell you I am a happy person, optimistic, etc and I am.  I just don't have the energy to be hateful, or grumpy, or sad for extended periods.  So although every so often I might yell or cry at the frustration of it all I can also laugh and smile at all the good in my life.  My Mom would tell you that I deal with these procedures and the set backs with aplomb.  (At least I hope she would).  I can only move forward with strength and optimism.  This is not the end of our story although it may be a short intermission.  Handsome and I will talk tonight but I may wait until after the holidays to start our next cycle. 

I have enjoyed telling my story and my hope is that it has helped someone also struggling to know that they are not alone, I hope that if others were facing the same obstacles they felt less scared after descriptions of my experiences.  I do think though, for now, that this blog will be on pause.  Its difficult to put so much of yourself out there.  I may post occasionally but it most likely won't be as often - we'll see though.. I can always change my mind.

Please if anyone has a question about anything in my blog or my story feel free to comment or email me - it goes straight to my phone, I WILL get it and I WILL respond.  My door will always be open.  Thank you to all the people who have left such supportive comments on my blog.

  TO BE CONTINUED...