Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Cramps

Hey everyone - longtime no talk.  I can't guarantee that I will post on a regular basis but wanted to check in with everyone.  Handsome and I decide that we would hold off on out next FET cycle until after the holidays.  This way we don't have to worry about doctor's appointments and stuff while also dealing with the normal stress of the holidays.

So I went off all of the meds over a week ago and it was NOT fun.  Last week, for three says I was in the kind of pain that I haven't felt since the miscarriage or when I had a cyst burst.  My cycle started on Monday and I had the normal cramps that you would expect. Monday night, well actually Tuesday morning, I was awakened by severe cramping at 3:30 in the morning.  I could not sleep or even rest.  I was either sitting on the toilet or walking around.  When I would try to go back to sleep I would be okay for about 5 minutes before I had to getup again.  I took 3 Tylenol - no help; after an hour I took 3 ibuprofen and still no help.  Finally Handsome recommended I sleep sitting up which did allow me to rest some (same position as on the toilet) but I can't sleep unless my head is flat so it was just frustrating.  Luckily the pain seemed to minimize enough the rest of the day that I was able to get some work done.  Tuesday night came and this time I was able to sleep until 5am until the pains woke me up on Wednesday but again I was able to go to work and finish up my big project.  I did make sure to stop and get some Alleve tablets to get me through the day.  Thursday morning I was able to make it until 6:30 which is my normal wake up time and I asked my husband to let  me sleep until 7.  I had a sharp pain on my right side I was nauseous and it was pretty intense.  I took Alleve which was kind of helping and went into work so I could get some paperwork done.  The pain kept getting worse - I took two Alleve at lunch and they weren't helping.  Finally the pain was getting bad enough that it was all I could do not to scream and lash out at my coworkers.  It felt as though someone was stabbing me in the right ovary.

I called Handsome and asked if I should call the doctor.  He was aware of the kind of pain I was in and told me I should just in case.  My Mom would tell you that I have a high pain tolerance, sure I might whine at the smallest paper cut but for the big things I usually take them rather stoically.  This felt like something wrong.  Then I got to have the unique and thoroughly frustrating conversation of explaining to my doctor, a man, about my cramps.  I realized a few things - it is embarrassing speaking to men about cramps because they can't really understand how the constant pain, even if slight, feels unending and makes you want to go crazy.  Then I am trying to explain how bad these hurt and how it went from both sides to being one sided (similar to when I burst a cyst) and he is all - "well typically cramps are centrally located and I don't know about this pain switching sides"  I wanted to grab him by the throat through the phone and scream - yeah, you know this from your vast experience with cramps!!!!  How about you let ME tell you how MY cramps normally present and how I know that something is bad since the pain is many times worse than my worst period and its localized and I feel like I want to vomit.  Finally he told me to take Tylenol plus Codeine (which I had from my egg retrieval because I didn't need any for that), Ibuprofen and that if it didn't get better to go to the ER.  (Problem with the ER is that if it was a cyst there is nothing they can do so its just a pain in the ass but you have to go in case its a torsion or something) 

He also wanted me to take a HPT (Home Pregnancy Test for those of you not in the fertility lingo) in case the blood test was wrong.  Well I knew the blood test wasn't wrong because two HPTs before the blood test had been negative but still it was scary.  His concern was that the blood test was wrong and I had an ectopic pregnancy - my NEW worry was the test had been wrong and I was having another miscarriage because I had gone off of all the meds.  That was the scariest most worrisome 3 minutes but luckily it came back negative.  Even Handsome said he was worried and didn't like the chance that the blood test could have been wrong.  Handsome also said the Tylenol plus codeine was making me loopy and kept looking for codeine symptoms like dry mouth, pinpoint pupils and such.  I told him to stop looking at me like I was a defendant and that if he called my meds narcotics one more time I was going to throw something at him.  It took two pills to put the pain at a manageable level and I took an extra before bed just in case.  I finally slept and was out of pain Friday which was nice.  So far so good.  Although we aren't going into an FET cycle we haven't totally put things on hold.  We are keeping our options open for a natural cycle as well.  Well ttyl :)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I think I know cramps
better than you...
   ... you  stupid no it all male doctor!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Fair

The doctor called this afternoon and the test was negative.  It wasn't a shock because I will admit that we cheated and had taken some HPTs (Home Pregnancy Tests) that had also shown up as negative so we knew what the result would be.  I was much more upset yesterday after our HPT negative results but have moved on to acceptance today.

Of course we are disappointed and frustrated.  There have been times through out this process (like yesterday and parts of today) where I have been a very bitter and hateful person.  Not quite wishing hurt on others but definitely not being happy for their joy.  I want to scream at the universe that its just not FAIR.  Why do crack addicts and people who neglect or beat their children get pregnant but I can't?  I see children getting pregnant and I can't.  It seems so unfair that we, who are emotionally, mentally and financially able to care for a child should have such problems having one!  We have WORKED at this.  I have been on fertility drugs of one kind or another for years, we have done Clomid, we did IUI, we did I freakin' V freakin' F!  We have had three transfers!  And then I hear, like an echo from my childhood - "Life isn't fair".  And it isn't.  But this can be hard to get negative after negative result. 

However, if you were to ask most people they would tell you I am a happy person, optimistic, etc and I am.  I just don't have the energy to be hateful, or grumpy, or sad for extended periods.  So although every so often I might yell or cry at the frustration of it all I can also laugh and smile at all the good in my life.  My Mom would tell you that I deal with these procedures and the set backs with aplomb.  (At least I hope she would).  I can only move forward with strength and optimism.  This is not the end of our story although it may be a short intermission.  Handsome and I will talk tonight but I may wait until after the holidays to start our next cycle. 

I have enjoyed telling my story and my hope is that it has helped someone also struggling to know that they are not alone, I hope that if others were facing the same obstacles they felt less scared after descriptions of my experiences.  I do think though, for now, that this blog will be on pause.  Its difficult to put so much of yourself out there.  I may post occasionally but it most likely won't be as often - we'll see though.. I can always change my mind.

Please if anyone has a question about anything in my blog or my story feel free to comment or email me - it goes straight to my phone, I WILL get it and I WILL respond.  My door will always be open.  Thank you to all the people who have left such supportive comments on my blog.

  TO BE CONTINUED...