Tuesday, November 13, 2012


Hey everyone - longtime no talk.  I can't guarantee that I will post on a regular basis but wanted to check in with everyone.  Handsome and I decide that we would hold off on out next FET cycle until after the holidays.  This way we don't have to worry about doctor's appointments and stuff while also dealing with the normal stress of the holidays.

So I went off all of the meds over a week ago and it was NOT fun.  Last week, for three says I was in the kind of pain that I haven't felt since the miscarriage or when I had a cyst burst.  My cycle started on Monday and I had the normal cramps that you would expect. Monday night, well actually Tuesday morning, I was awakened by severe cramping at 3:30 in the morning.  I could not sleep or even rest.  I was either sitting on the toilet or walking around.  When I would try to go back to sleep I would be okay for about 5 minutes before I had to getup again.  I took 3 Tylenol - no help; after an hour I took 3 ibuprofen and still no help.  Finally Handsome recommended I sleep sitting up which did allow me to rest some (same position as on the toilet) but I can't sleep unless my head is flat so it was just frustrating.  Luckily the pain seemed to minimize enough the rest of the day that I was able to get some work done.  Tuesday night came and this time I was able to sleep until 5am until the pains woke me up on Wednesday but again I was able to go to work and finish up my big project.  I did make sure to stop and get some Alleve tablets to get me through the day.  Thursday morning I was able to make it until 6:30 which is my normal wake up time and I asked my husband to let  me sleep until 7.  I had a sharp pain on my right side I was nauseous and it was pretty intense.  I took Alleve which was kind of helping and went into work so I could get some paperwork done.  The pain kept getting worse - I took two Alleve at lunch and they weren't helping.  Finally the pain was getting bad enough that it was all I could do not to scream and lash out at my coworkers.  It felt as though someone was stabbing me in the right ovary.

I called Handsome and asked if I should call the doctor.  He was aware of the kind of pain I was in and told me I should just in case.  My Mom would tell you that I have a high pain tolerance, sure I might whine at the smallest paper cut but for the big things I usually take them rather stoically.  This felt like something wrong.  Then I got to have the unique and thoroughly frustrating conversation of explaining to my doctor, a man, about my cramps.  I realized a few things - it is embarrassing speaking to men about cramps because they can't really understand how the constant pain, even if slight, feels unending and makes you want to go crazy.  Then I am trying to explain how bad these hurt and how it went from both sides to being one sided (similar to when I burst a cyst) and he is all - "well typically cramps are centrally located and I don't know about this pain switching sides"  I wanted to grab him by the throat through the phone and scream - yeah, you know this from your vast experience with cramps!!!!  How about you let ME tell you how MY cramps normally present and how I know that something is bad since the pain is many times worse than my worst period and its localized and I feel like I want to vomit.  Finally he told me to take Tylenol plus Codeine (which I had from my egg retrieval because I didn't need any for that), Ibuprofen and that if it didn't get better to go to the ER.  (Problem with the ER is that if it was a cyst there is nothing they can do so its just a pain in the ass but you have to go in case its a torsion or something) 

He also wanted me to take a HPT (Home Pregnancy Test for those of you not in the fertility lingo) in case the blood test was wrong.  Well I knew the blood test wasn't wrong because two HPTs before the blood test had been negative but still it was scary.  His concern was that the blood test was wrong and I had an ectopic pregnancy - my NEW worry was the test had been wrong and I was having another miscarriage because I had gone off of all the meds.  That was the scariest most worrisome 3 minutes but luckily it came back negative.  Even Handsome said he was worried and didn't like the chance that the blood test could have been wrong.  Handsome also said the Tylenol plus codeine was making me loopy and kept looking for codeine symptoms like dry mouth, pinpoint pupils and such.  I told him to stop looking at me like I was a defendant and that if he called my meds narcotics one more time I was going to throw something at him.  It took two pills to put the pain at a manageable level and I took an extra before bed just in case.  I finally slept and was out of pain Friday which was nice.  So far so good.  Although we aren't going into an FET cycle we haven't totally put things on hold.  We are keeping our options open for a natural cycle as well.  Well ttyl :)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I think I know cramps
better than you...
   ... you  stupid no it all male doctor!

Thursday, November 1, 2012


The doctor called this afternoon and the test was negative.  It wasn't a shock because I will admit that we cheated and had taken some HPTs (Home Pregnancy Tests) that had also shown up as negative so we knew what the result would be.  I was much more upset yesterday after our HPT negative results but have moved on to acceptance today.

Of course we are disappointed and frustrated.  There have been times through out this process (like yesterday and parts of today) where I have been a very bitter and hateful person.  Not quite wishing hurt on others but definitely not being happy for their joy.  I want to scream at the universe that its just not FAIR.  Why do crack addicts and people who neglect or beat their children get pregnant but I can't?  I see children getting pregnant and I can't.  It seems so unfair that we, who are emotionally, mentally and financially able to care for a child should have such problems having one!  We have WORKED at this.  I have been on fertility drugs of one kind or another for years, we have done Clomid, we did IUI, we did I freakin' V freakin' F!  We have had three transfers!  And then I hear, like an echo from my childhood - "Life isn't fair".  And it isn't.  But this can be hard to get negative after negative result. 

However, if you were to ask most people they would tell you I am a happy person, optimistic, etc and I am.  I just don't have the energy to be hateful, or grumpy, or sad for extended periods.  So although every so often I might yell or cry at the frustration of it all I can also laugh and smile at all the good in my life.  My Mom would tell you that I deal with these procedures and the set backs with aplomb.  (At least I hope she would).  I can only move forward with strength and optimism.  This is not the end of our story although it may be a short intermission.  Handsome and I will talk tonight but I may wait until after the holidays to start our next cycle. 

I have enjoyed telling my story and my hope is that it has helped someone also struggling to know that they are not alone, I hope that if others were facing the same obstacles they felt less scared after descriptions of my experiences.  I do think though, for now, that this blog will be on pause.  Its difficult to put so much of yourself out there.  I may post occasionally but it most likely won't be as often - we'll see though.. I can always change my mind.

Please if anyone has a question about anything in my blog or my story feel free to comment or email me - it goes straight to my phone, I WILL get it and I WILL respond.  My door will always be open.  Thank you to all the people who have left such supportive comments on my blog.


Thursday, October 25, 2012

Riding Horses

So let's see where was I at... oh, you want to hear about the transfer?  Well you'll have towait - I want to finish up with the trip and then I'll get to it. ;)

It was supposed to rain in San Diego the Thursday we were there so we planned on going to Temeculah for some wine tasting.  We started out at Miramonte which was pretty good.  They had a chardonay that I really enjoyed and picked up a bottle then we moved on to Mount Palomar which was almost within walking distance.  Unfortunately the wines at Mount Palomar were a little onedimensional for my taste and some had notes of bell pepper which I thought was disgusting especially in a wine.  Next we went for Foot Path which is on a real farm - no fancy schmancy tasting room just a counter set up in a barn.  Handsome thought we might get killed there but I convenced him to continue down the long driveway.  The wine was excellent, we picked up a nice cabernet, and the proprieter was really nice.  I really enjoyed how he poured himself more wine as well and gave me an extra tasting.  Last we stopped at Frangipani where I took these pictures of the country side.  It was so nice with the clouds.  There I picked up a Cabernet Franc and a Merlot (actually two Merlots, one for me and one for a friend).  The man running the shop was very chatty and gave me lots of wine- didn't even track how many tastings I had.

After wine country we drove down to the Stone brewery where we had a nice dinner and this time Handsome got to drink.  It was a little chilly outside but we sat right under a heater and were able to enjoy the view of their grounds.

Friday We went horseback riding on the beach south of San Diego, right near the Mexico border.  We saw hawks and rabbits and we even saw dolphins!  The pics are pretty crappy but you try taking pictures from a moving horse!

When we got back Handsome and I had scheduled a 90 minute couples massage.  It was wonderful and we got unlimited use of the steam shower afterwards.  I had never been in a steam shower before and I loved it.  Then we went to a nice dinner at Blue Point Coastal before heading back to our hotel for drinks in the lounge.
Saturday we had a relaxing day waling down to Seaport Village and then our anniversary dinner at Acqua in Mission Beach followed by and some dancing at an underground bar called Vin de Syrah.  Sunday we packed up and were on our way.

Now, what everybody has been waiting for... the transfer. 

As I mentioned previously Handsome had a court case and was not going to be able to come so Mom offerred to come up.  Well, late Monday afternoon Handsome called to say his case had been continued so now I got to have both him and Mom!  We went in and everything went really smoothly this time no long waits.  I got my acupuncture before and after which really helped relax me and put me in a great frame of mind.  I am feeling really positive - third time's the charm!  Dr. Moffitt did the actual transfer which was great although I was put a a large inversion - I felt like I was on my head.  Watched lots of TV on the couch afterwards including Magic Mike which is VERY funny and I recommend it.  So now we are just playing the waiting game. Keep me in your thoughts! ttyl

"She'll Be Comin' 'Round the Mountain" (second verse)
"She'll be riding six white horses when she comes
She'll be riding six white horses when she comes
She'll be riding six white horses
She'll be riding six white horses
She'll be riding six white horses when she comes"

Sunday, October 21, 2012


So in regards to the vacation we are up to Tuesday and Wednesday.  Tuesday we went Se kayaking and unfortunately I do not have any pictures from the kayaking portion as I didn't want to lose another camera to the sea.  our kayak adventure was scheduled for 1pm so first we stopped by Ross so I could pick up some throw-away shoes.  Yes, I took 9 pairs of shoes on our trip and had to buy another pair because I didn't want to risk any of them in the ocean.  We got down there early and ate at a little Mexican restaurant.  On our trip we had to pass by this storefront that was decorated for Halloween.  now I LOVE Halloween but I am TERRIFIED of zombies so this place was a little creepy.  Here's from far away where they looked a little too real.  We had to walk through to follow the sidewalk and I kept worrying that one would be a real person and they would grab me to freak me out.

Once we put on all our safety gear (helmets and PFDs) we walked down to the beach with our guides and our group.  At the beach they recommended we leave our shoes on the concrete before going on the sand so I guess I didn't need those stupid throw-away flip-flops.  We got a little tutorial on how to paddle, how not get through the surf to deeper water without flipping over and then got in our kayaks.  When the first wave hit I started to freeze but they had said we would flip if we did that so Ikept on paddling.  We finally got to deeper water although the waves were still a little scary.  Little scary... I'll admit it - I was terrified.  I do not like being on the ocean in a tiny little boat, I can swim, I know the odds of even seeing a dangerous shark, but still I hate it, I feel out of my element and out of control.  I wanted to stay with everybody else so I had to keep telling Handsome to stop paddling and slow the hell down - this isn't a race!  He just gets in the zone and we would halfway to Hawaii if it were up to him.  It got to the point where I didn't even paddle and I STILL had to tell him to knock it off and slow down.  The guides had us group us and told us some really interesting facts about the cliff side, the sea lions, Dr.Seuss and more.  They showed us this one area where no boats are allowed because people swim this long distance- it was miles - I can't even imagine!  But I figured if a shark did come along he would probably eat the defenseless swimmer before tying to see if there were people to eat in our kayak.  Only one person fell out of her single kayak - in calm water, don't know exactly how she accomplished that.  I am proud to say that we did not tip over even on the way back in.  Although I did pick up a huge bruise on the back of my thigh - we still can't figure that out.

After our kayaking jaunt we went to the downtown area in La Jolla and went into a few of the shops there was an olive oil tasting place that we went in turned out to have wine and appetizers in the back - SCORE!!!  I had tastes of a few wines while Handsome enjoyed the beer.  I got salad caprese which is one of my favorite meals and the balsamic was delicious, I can never find good balsamic at the store.  Luckily they sold their balsamic and I bought a huge bottle (basically the size of a wine bottle). We sat out on their balcony with a little view of the waves.  We also laughed at one house that had a fake owl that is supposed to scare away birds but it had two seagull friends sitting right next to it chatting.

Wednesday we went to the zoo. 

We were laughing because, I don't know if it was the season or not, but some of the animals were very horny.  One big giraffe kept chasing a smaller one around and the big was visibly aroused then we laughed even harder when it turned out the smaller one was a boy!  Poor little guy couldn't take a break because every time he took a break the big one would start to rear up to um... mount him so he kept walking around with the big guy following him with his big head on the little one's back.  Then we saw a zebra just standing around but he was obviously having sexy daydreams or something because he was putting on a show. 

We went to eat at a fabulous award winning restaurant in the zoo called Albert's it was fantastic although we did have some issues finding it.  The weather was perfect so we sat outside.  Here is the view from our table.
Some funny, more PG things we saw were the Rock Hyrax which the info sign says is most closely related to the elephant but Handsome called the "Tusked Mountain Rat" because frankly that is what it looked like.  Then there were some Gerenuks (a type of antelope" that are very dainty looking with looooong thin necks.  They would chew their cud then swallow it down then bring it back up to chew on some more.  Their necks were so thin you could watch it happening - it looked like a little neck elevator with the bulge going down then 30 seconds or so and it would come back up and they would start chewing again.  I got some good pictures of the tigers and we saw leopard cubs and baby capybaras. 

One thing that started out as funny was this two headed king snake that got stuck on a cactus because one head wanted to go right and one wanted to go left.  At first it was funny but as it/they? struggled for longer and longer it made me sad and we left.  On our way back through the ehibit it hdd gotten out of its predicament which made me happy.

Transfer is still scheduled for Tuesday and Mom is coming up to take care of me since I am unable to drive myself home after the procedure and have to stay on bed rest.  Only new medication so far is the Methylprednisone I have to take each night for four nights starting yesterday. ttyl

The Tyger by William Blake

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare sieze the fire?

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


I have decide to tell you about my vacation in parts because I am too lazy and tired to try and do it all in one.  Plus, have I told you guys that the space bar on my keyboard doesn't always compress?  Seems that the main issue is when I use my right thumb, Handsome uses his right and doesn't seem to have a problem.  Regardless it is annoying as hell because I have to keep fighting with it and go back all the time to fix words that are all run together. 

First of all let me tell you about my mid-cycle ultrasound yesterday.  Everything started off normally but when they were looking at the lining (which was great, thick and lush thank you very much) they saw two areas that could be cysts or diverticula.  What was weird was that there was one on the right and one on the left fairly symmetrical.  The ultrasound doctor said she needed to have Dr. Moffitt look at them and they would get back to me.  Dr. Moffitt called me later that afternoon and after looking back at previous films and my HSG these are not cysts and look to have been around since the beginning.  Because they are symmetrical Dr. Moffitt believes that I was born with them and they are basically diverticula, an outpouching in the uterus.  The big question if if they "communicate" with the uterus, Dr. Moffitt believes they do which means we have to watch to make sure our baby doesn't implant into them which could cause medical issues.  So in summation, good news: we are going forward as planned and I am feeling positive; bad news: one more thing we need to be cautious of.  I have just have to send happy telepathic messages to my blast telling her to pick a spot that's just right and not in one of those diverticula.  So today is my last day with 3 doses of Estrace and tomorrow I will start my prometrium (vaginally - YUCK!!) three times a day and back down to two times a day with Estrace until transfer.

On to the trip.  We were hoping to be pregnant so I didn't want to fly anywhere which is why we chose San Diego since it is within reasonable driving distance.  We took I-8 and the most interesting part of the trip was the dunes.  out of nowhere it seems these giant hills of sand just appear and seem to go on forever but soon enough you pass them and its like they were never there.

Sunday we arrived late afternoon so did not have any activities planned.  At the hotel we got an free upgrade to a balcony room for our anniversary.  The hotel was beautiful and for the first time we had the full experience, a valet for our car, a bellhop that put all our luggage on a cart (with a hanger for my dresses) and took it up to the room for us.  The shower was a rainfall shower which was neat and the room had hard wood floors (or at least nice pergo).  The pillows were all down which they switched out for us when we asked (I am allergic to feathers and birds).  We ate down in the gaslamp district and had a few drinks in the bar and lounge at our hotel.

Monday we decide to go to Balboa Park.  We went to the Instruments of Torture exhibit which was fascinating and disturbing at the same time - sorry no pictures were allowed.  By this time it was late morning at we were starving so we waited until 11:30 and went to eat at The Prado which is an award winning full restaurant at Balboa park.  For our anniversary they sent out free flan and I had to try out the chocolate torte which was so pretty Handsome said to take a picture of it.

Then we went to the Natural History museum where we saw the skull exhibit, a statue of a giant bug,
and exhibits about dinosaurs and the movement of the tectonic plates.  They also have a magnetic pendulum set up with wooden blocks it knocks over during the course of the day - I was lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time and saw one knock over- whew the excitement!  Afterwards we went to the Science Center where we had a great time playing like children with the interactive exhibits (I got 100% and won the grossology quiz!) but took no pictures.  We went to the Space and Aviation museum and finally at the end of our day we hiked through the park a little and I took some pictures of these massive trees and took a ride on a mosaic dragon once I kicked all the kids off of it.  I kid... they had to go home so I just waited until they were gone before going for my solo ride :)

 Then it was back to the hotel.  Later we went out to the Hopping Pig for drinks and then elsewhere to eat - I don't remember where they all start to blend together especially after a couple glasses of wine.  Well that's all for today.  Next time I will talk about Tuesday and Wednesday our Kayaking and Zoo days. ttyl

One Eye, Two Eyes and Three Eyes
"there stood a strangely magnificent tree with leaves of silver, and fruit of gold"
Grimm, Jacob; Grimm, Wilhelm; Charles River Editors; Taylor, Edgar (2011-11-29). The Complete Brothers Grimm's Fairy Tales (Illustrated) (Kindle Location 8319). Unknown. Kindle Edition.

Monday, October 15, 2012


I know... I know I promised pictures but you will have to wait at least another day.  We got back late afternoon Sunday and I am still getting back into the groove of things.  Our San Diego anniversary trip was a blast.  We went to Balboa park, sea kayaking in La Jolla, the San Diego Zoo, wine country in Temeculah, Stone brewery, horseback riding on the beach, to the spa for a couples massage, out to dinner several times, a cool club and to Seaport village.

I didn't take as many pictures as I have in years past because I was having too much fun!  But I will post details and pics later this week.

Tomorrow I go in for my mid-cycle ultrasound.  Handsome is unable to go with me as he has a court case but we got all the documents signed and notarized so I am good to go.  Keep your fingers crossed that the lining check goes well tomorrow.  Only a week until transfer! ttyl

Handsome and Andrea sitting in a tree
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes the baby in the baby carriage**

** after multiple rounds of fertility treatments and 3 years of trying!

Keep your fingers crossed!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

California Dreamin'

Ugghh another post without pictures... I'm sorry! Wee I most likely will not be blogging while on vacation but when I get back I promise - pictures, lots of pictures so many pictures you'll get sick of my pictures.  Maybe I'll take a few of Handsome lookin' sexy so you can have some eye candy - just remember he's mine girls.. all mine.  Our trip starts tomorrow and I am excited! I have all cute clothes so hopefully I won't look like every other dumb tourist, I'll look fashionable.  People will wonder who that girl is - she must be model, no she's too short to be a model. 

Today was pretty great; I got acupuncture and saw my friend Meghan, it was great to catch up and we made promises to get together when we are both back from various vacations - probably November.  I also met a new friend who is going through some of the same challenges we are.  She overheard me talking about my next transfer and introduced herself.  So here's hoping you are reading the blog and enjoy it!  Also give me a call - we'll do lunch.  Actually that's an open invitation to any readers who are in the Phoenix area (sorry guys I can't afford to fly out of town for lunch I gots all these IVF bills ya know).  Well I will talk to you guys in a week. ttyl

California Dreamin' by the Mamas and the Papas
"California Dreamin'
on such a winter's summer's day"

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


So not much new this week but I wanted to check in since I will be gone next week.  However when I get back from my trip I will share stories and pictures.  As I mentioned on my last post we went down to Tucson this weekend and on our way back our luggage handle broke.  It would no longer recede back into the suitcase, it was stuck extended.  This happened on other suitcases, the zipperpulls have fallen off, and other various issues with the wheels.  So we finally decided to buy new suitcases for our trip.  We went to Target and bought two new suitcases.  Then Handsome decided that we needed new tires for my car before we go to California.  He has been saying I need new tires for a while (mine did fail the penny test) and we are going to be driving to California so I got new tires as well.  I can't really tell much of a difference maybe the car feels a little more in control.  I do know that they stink and the garage smells like new tires - yuck.  Well not much else. ttyl

The Wheels on the Bus
"The wheels on the bus go round and round,
round and round,
round and round.
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
all through the town"

Sunday, September 30, 2012

I'm Not Dead Yet

Ok - so the title is the only thing I really remember from Monty Python.  I'm sorry it has been so long since I blogged.  I have been fairly busy this week and we went down to Tucson for my Mother-in-law's birthday.  We had a wonderful cookout at Handsome's brother's house and my Sister-in-law made hotdogs, brats and my favorite, grilled corn.  I will try and write more this week but next week we will be gone on our anniversary trip. ttyl

Ring Around The Rosy
"Ring around the rosy
Pockets full of posey
Ashes, ashes,
We all fall down!"

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Getting back into it

Just a quick check in to let you guys know I am still alive.  Saturday was my brother's birthday so a "Happy Birthday" shout out to him.  My parents went up to take him out for lunch and stopped by the house on their way back home.  We got to show them the new security door our fixed shower and my completed craft center.  I don't know if I put it on here but when they came out to add the dam to the shower to stop the leak... it worked!!!!  It is so nice not to have to put down a towel every time we go to take a shower.  I went to acupuncture and had my hair cut.  Then Handsome and I went out to eat with friends at Cheuvront's for Restaurant Week.  Three courses for $30pp isn't bad.  My Salmon and cake were delicious!  Then I went out to a club with a girlfriend.  Towards the end of the night some guys started talking to us and she swapped numbers with one of them.  She's single so I hope it works out for her, after all I met Handsome at a bar ;) 

Sunday was a relaxing day,  Handsome cleaned out the tub so I took a relaxing bath and then watched some recorded shows.  Handsome played the computer all day until we went grocery shopping.  He grilled bison burgers (one of my favorites).  Work has been very busy lately and yesterday I didn't even get a chance to go out to lunch but luckily had some snacks in my desk.  Tonight is grill night so I am having lots of grilled corn and a teeny tiny tenderloin.  It was the smallest tenderloin they had and looks like it came out of a miniature cow - half the size of any of the other tenderloins. 

Today was CD1 so I called ARMS and will probably hear back from them tomorrow regarding drugs and my cycle.  The worst is the cramps - they seem to be really bad this time, hopefully they and my cycle are over soon. ttyl

This is an old song I used to play on the piano - super easy like mary had a little lamb easy (probably easier)

"I dropped my dolly in the dirt
I asked her if it really hurt
But all my dolly said to me
Was wha-aa wha-aa wha wha wha
Was wha-aa wha-aa wha wha wha"

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Moving forward

Sorry my last post was bare, there were a couple reasons for that.  First of all, I did that post from my phone and my phone only lets me enter text into the title not the post body.  Second, when I got home I just wasn't feeling in the mood to open up and talk about it with everyone.  Lastly I thought it kinda demonstrated the void I felt inside.  One thing I have always wanted is to be a mom, and it is so frustrating to hit roadblock after roadblock.

Thursday I went into ARMS to have my blood test, the nurse asked me if I had cheated (used a home pregnancy test). I told her "no" but the truth is I would have if I had a had a test at home but I was all out.  All day I waited and the longer I waited the more I expected bad news.  I think if it is positive news they call you right away but if it is bad news they wait until they have more time...  I don't know if that is how it really works but it is how it seems.  I wish they would just call right away - worrying about it all day just causes more stress and anxiety.  When I got the news from Dr. Moffitt I cried but to tell you the truth I think I knew deep down and that's why I had been having so many doubts lately. 

When I got home it got even harder.  Handsome got home and gave me a big hug.  Then he went to the gym.  It felt like he was avoiding me and when he got back it seemed even more so.  He barely said a word to me and didn't spend more than 5 minutes in the room with me.  At first I got mad and decided I would give him the silent treatment but soon figured out that we needed to communicate.  I asked him "what are you doing?!"  He asked what I meant and I said he didn't want to seem to be in the same room with me and wouldn't talk to me.  I asked if he was angry with me.  I had started crying and he came over and held me and said he wasn't angry at me.  He just held me for a while.  Afterwards we talked a bit and he said how frustrating he finds it and it makes him mad at the whole process.  He loves me though and as her said "he won't sell me to gypsies".  I told him I needed a bit more support and enthusiasm in the future (despite his inherent negativity) and he said he would try.  We decided to move into the next cycle as soon as possible so I stopped the Crinone (yay!) and and staying on the estradiol and levothyroxine.  I will call with my CD1 and they will give me a schedule.  We will have the transfer just after our anniversary trip so I should be nice a relaxed and ready.

We watched "What To Expect When You're Expecting" on Friday and kept laughing and teasing each other "that's how you will be!" It was a good movie although I thought they were a little light on some of the harder subjects.  I don't want to put any spoilers in here but one story in particular even Handsome thought was unrealistic.  Thank you to everyone who has sent me words of encouragement or support I appreciate it.  This was my cheat weekend, I had lots of wine (kinda thought I deserved it) and bad-for-me food but here on out I'm going to try and eat and stay healthy to make my body ready for next time.  ttyl

I think I've posted this before but it's home that keeps me going on, that and the support of friends family and most of all Handsome.

Hope is the Thing with Feathers by Emily Dickinson
"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me."

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Button Up

Had a great weekend!  Saturday I got acupuncture and then Handsome and I went to the mall for lunch and met our friend Dezarai.  After lunch she and I went shopping while Handsome went to get his haircut.  Later our friends Oz and Keisha came over for a while before they went to the ASU game and we went to dinner.  We don't get to see them often because they live in Puerto Rico so it was great that they could make time for us while they were here in the States.  Keisha said I looked like I had lost weight which is always nice to hear and I do think I have been eating better and been more active.  Since the transfer I have been on an exercise vacation (no gym, no strenuous activities).  Anyways they are great and we had such a good time - lots of laughter!  Then we went to The House for dinner and they made the best virgin Paloma made from grapefruit juice, lime juice and lemon soda - it was the perfect blend of tart and sweet - so tasty!

Sunday I slept in while Handsome went out to the range for sporting clays.  When I got up I finally used my sewing machine to sew the button on my shorts!

Later I went shopping at Target, I was hoping to find some cute tops (no go), some cute PJs (done) and some more comfortable underwear.  See I typically wear the lace trimmed cotton thongs from Target.

However with the Crinone I have to use twice a day they really aren't very practical.  The underwear I had been using was scratchy so I went back to Target and found Hanes bikini which were guaranteed not to ride up.  They were in pretty colors and guess what they are actually pretty comfortable and it's true they do NOT ride up.  Handsome laughs because I call these my new pregnancy panties.

So Thursday is getting closer and I am feeling pretty terrified.  I try and stay positive and I know our chances (especially with two embryos transferred) is really good but I keep remembering the disappointment and, I hope I'm not being too dramatic, the despair of last time.  If anything I think Handsome is being more positive and optimistic.  He keeps telling me to take care of his babies and that I am filled up with his babies.  I guess we'll find out Thursday.  I talked to my acupuncturist a little about it, about how I was trying to stay positive but I was worried and she said to keep in mind that whatever  happens to remember that I have done all that is possible to make this happen - I almost started crying because while I do acknowledge that, it almost seems like a cop-out for not being more positive.  Its like I don't want to even let a negative thought cross my mind because what if it sticks?  Then when I try and focus on not thinking anything negative (what do you think about when I tell you not to think about elephants) I get more and more stressed when they inevitably cross my mind.  I want to feel super optimistic and positive but I am so scared.  I think its the waiting bits that are the worst.  Well enough scary stuff for now - I don't want to dwell.  I am trying to visualize those little embryos implanted and growing inside of me and the children they will become. ttyl

"Buttons, a farthing a pair!
Come, who will buy them of me?
They're round and sound and pretty,
And fit for girls of the city.
Come, who will buy them of me?
Buttons, a farthing a pair!"

Thursday, September 6, 2012

A Better Home

Hi!  Not much new today.  Went back to work where I had a pretty laid back day of data crunching.  Then I got home to find that the dogs had pooped and puked in the house.  I know the poop was Bremen, still a mystery who puked :(

I wanted to show you some pics of the things we had done around the house.

First on Saturday I did a little shopping at Target to finish up my crafting/sewing center.   Now all I need is a bin for my wrapping paper.  ooh and the mystery chair color was green - did anyone guess right?
 Here's an up close picture of the bookcase
(please ignore the wrapping paper mess until I can get a bin)
 ...and the decals on the side of the bookcase

Monday I cleaned out our master closet and the Cat Lounge (spare closet where we keep the litter box and she goes to find peace from the dogs.  Its rather large so we store a lot of crapstuff in there. While I was cleaning those out our washer decide to die in the middle of a load full of soapy water.  Originally we were told it would be Sunday before they could deliver but the delivered Wednesday.
I love it, and don't even mind using it.  We were leaving the energy guide on for a few days to make sure we don't have any hiccups with it.

We also had the shower guys come out and install the dam strip.  We will soon see if it resolves our leaking issue.  You can't even tell the dam strip is there!

And last but not least our new security door.  I have some pictures of it going in and then a pic of Handsome putting all the plants back - he's such a gardener, if I touch a plant it dies, and then a final pic.

The Three Little Pigs
"The third little pig met a man with a load of bricks, and said, "Please, man, give me those bricks to build a house with." So the man gave him the bricks, and he built his house with them.

So the wolf came, as he did to the other little pigs, and said, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in."

"No, no, by the hair of my chiny chin chin."

"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in."
Well, he huffed, and he puffed, and he huffed and he puffed, and he puffed and huffed; but he could not get the house down."


Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Couch Rest

Hi!  I'm back!  Handsome has allowed me off the couch to blog as long as I don't lift anything or do jumping jacks around the house - he's pretty strict :)

When we first got to ARMS there was another couple waiting and a second couple came in slightly after us. One of the Nurses called "Andrea" and I looked around but they were talking to the couple behind us. The guy from the first couple saw me look around and asked if all the women were named Andrea because his wife was Andrea as well!! Yes there were three Andreas in the waiting room although we all pronounced it slightly differently. I took it as a good omen :) 

We arrived around 10am and let them know that our acupuncturist would be there at 10:15.  She showed up on time and I asked for a room but it took another 15 minutes to get a room.  I started to stress the timing a little but the acupuncturist didn't seem very upset and it turned out the lab was running a little behind so we were all good.  I got acupuncture both before the procedure and directly afterwards.  I asked my husband to take few pictures, I though this was the best of the bunch (meaning I don't look too fat, have a stupid smile...).  This shows the ones in my feet and legs, I also had needles in my stomach, under wrists, between my eyes and two in each ear.  The feet ones make my feet jump when they are first put in and then I can barely feel them; the ears don't make me jump but seem to hurt longer than any of the others.
Hey you can see my cool nail polish - cool!  Lets all just not mention my thick ankles mmkay? The needles are a little hard to see with the white ends instead of a brighter color but there you go.

I had started timing my pee breaks that morning and figured if I had a glass of what every hour I had to go about every hour so I could have a full bladder for the procedure as requested.  Unfortunately when I ate breakfast it threw everything off and I peed 4 times, yes FOUR times between when I got there and when the transfer occurred.  That means 4 times between 10am and 11:40 or so I peed 4 times!  However when I went in for the transfer Dr. Johnson said my bladder was the perfect fullness!!  Yay!!  I still had to ask for a bed pan but only once during my hour long recuperation.

The transfer went well, Dr. Johnson talked me through it.  First he cleaned out some of the prometrium gel so it wouldn't get in the way.  Then they set up the ultrasound and threaded the catheter in, I couldn't even feel the cramp when he blew up the balloon.  He asked if I could see the tip of the catheter (I have to admit that most ultrasounds looks like TV static to me although I am getting better at seeing the ovaries and such.  However, I did see a little white dot and asked if that was it... it was.  He then called to the lab that he was ready (no "wet noodle" this time).  They verified my name and that we had five blastocysts and had thawed two.  Both blastocycts thawed beautifully and we were good to go.  The slid the tube with my babies through the catheter and squirted them in.  I asked for a picture and he printed two off.  Sorry the picture is a little blurry but the paper is a little glossy and hard to photograph.  My two babies are in the white spaceshipped sized blob towards the center of the large black round area.  Dr. Johnson wished me luck and said he felt really good about this transfer which is always nice to hear.
Don't worry if you can't figure it out just nod and say "oh yes" like I do with people's early ultrasounds!

The rest of the day I was on bedcouch rest.  We watched Date Night and some other TV and movies.  Handsome made delicious stew for us with organic grass fed beef - DELISH!!  Not much else to tell, currently meds are Estrace and Crinone twice per day.  If you have any questions leave a comment and I'll get back to you.  Tomorrow or Friday I should have some pics of our new security door, I new shower door jam, our new washing machine and my nearly competed crafting/sewing center. ttyl

Our next big day is the 13th when I go in for my blood pregnancy test.  Keep us in your thoughts! Love you guys!

Thirteenth Evening
"'But where do babies come from, then?' asked the girl. "'Why, an angel from heaven brings them under his cloak, but no man can see him; and that's why we never know when he brings them.'
Andersen, H. C. (Hans Christian) (2009-10-04). Fairy Tales of Hans Christian Andersen (Kindle Locations 6649-6650). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Pre-Transfer Post

I'm getting super excited and super nervous for tomorrow.  I wanted to keep you guys in the loop and I will be on couch rest tomorrow so I thought I would drop a note today.  No pictures today but hopefully Wednesday. 

Saturday I started taking two 24mg methylprednisone which I will continue to take through tomorrow night, transfer day.  I take them at night before going to bed.  I am still taking the Prometrium three times a day and that's probably the worst since it likes to ooze out into my underwear if I don't go the the bathroom as soon as a I have the smallest inkling I might need to.  As long as I go the bathroom every hour and a half or so I seem to do okay.  Tonight with dinner, Bison burgers, I will take my first antibiotic as well as tomorrow morning with breakfast.  I will take my Valium with me to take 30 minutes prior to the transfer.

My transfer is scheduled for 11:00 am tomorrow and we will be getting there at 10:00 to meet my acupuncturist at 10:15.  I am going to see if Handsome will take some pictures of the pins so I can show you guys.  We will be transferring two blastocysts and then I will be getting post transfer acupuncture as well.  Then it will be back home for couch rest and lots of movie watching.

Got lots done this long weekend!  Saturday I purchased a small narrow bookcase for my craft/sewing desk.  I covered the back with a pretty floral paper, used paper tape on the front edges of the shelves and decorated the sides with some floral wall decals.  The only thing I am missing now is a bin for my wrapping paper but I decide to take the old pink one back and will be replacing it - pictures soon to come.  I also painted my nails.  All my finger nails look like crap after today (more about that in a moment) so I will be removing it tonight.  Toes still look great though - dark blue.

Sunday I had  GREAT day out shopping with a girlfriend.  I bought some great tops and a slammin' dress.  Maybe next weekend we can look at shoes.  I also found a great 50s inspired dress as White House Black Market but since I am going to be pregnant tomorrow I would only fit in it for a few weeks and then not be able to wear it again for 9+ so even though it was on sale and fit great I left it behind.

Then after a great day of shopping Handsome and I went out to Modern Steak and had a fabulous meal.  I had all natural beef - grass fed and no antibiotics or hormones.  It was so tender and delicious and we put crab truffle butter on top -delish!!! We had a butter poached crab with truffles for an appetizer and saved the left over butter for our steaks.  It was great and I can't wait to go back!

Today we decided to clean out our closet and our spare closet.  We took 7-9 bags of clothes, shoes, old electronics, etc. to Goodwill.  It feel so good to clean out and clean up spaces.  I realized that emotionally I felt like I was making room and cleaning up for the new life that we hope to be ours.  The only unfortunate thing today was our washer stopped in the middle of a cycle.  We tried to open up the back to look at it (sacrificing my nail job in the effort) but we couldn't figure it out.  The washer is at least 7 years old as it was in when we purchased the house and in all probability is probably over 10 years old.  So we took ourselves over to to Lowes and bought a new one - it will be delivered next Sunday.

Well until Wednesday comes - keep us in your thoughts! ttyl

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Crazy Beautiful

Only 5 more days until the transfer!!!  I am excited and terrified at the same time.  I try not and dwell on the terrified part and instead focus on the transfer working.   I also think the meds I am on mightbe driving me crazy.  I started the Prometrium today and I don't know if it is that, the combination, or the length of time I have been on the Estrace but my emotions are all over the place.  Remember too that I am on levothyroxine for my Hashimoto's Thyroidosis and you can see that I am taking all kind of hormones and I don't think my brain knows quite how to process them. 

One minute I am happy and bubbly and then next I want to burst into tears.  I go from feeling sexy, sensual and powerful (all men bow before me and recognize my beauty!) to feeling friendless, unwanted and so alone (if I went away would anyone even miss me?).  Some times I feel alien and totally diconnected and other times I feel like part of a whole, one with the universe in all it's complexity.  These extremes and the speed at which I can fluctuate between leave me feeling adrift and unsure of what is real, do I really feel/think/want something or is it just the medications?  It leaves me feeling out of control which is very difficult for me (I am a planner and I like to be in control).  Luckily I can hold on to the rational part of myself enough to realize that this is a temporary state and that the fluctuations are most likely due to the medications.  Even luckier I have Handsome, who acts as my anchor, a hand to hold when  I feel swept away.  He is being extra attentive and loving which helps immensely.

The Prometrium capsules look like little yellow eggs and I have to take them vaginally - not my favorite thing and I have to take it three times a day meaning at least once while at work - joy.  September 1st I will start taking Medrol which is not a hormone so hopefully I won't be adding to the crazyness.  I had acupuncture today and let Dr. Dana know that I was a little depressed.  She said she could help with that I do feel somewhat better but don't know if it was the needles or just the rest period I had during the acupuncture.  She did most of the same points today except instead of my wrist or forearm she did the top of my hand in between my thumb and index finger (back towards the wrist).  On my feet today (never a part of the body I like messed with) she did the topside of the foot near the base of the toes between the big toe and index toe (like where she did my hand but on my feet) my feet jumped all around like fish... I couldn't help it, I was very senitive.  Well keep those good thoughts coming my way and hopefully I will be past this hormone craziness soon and one to pregnancy craziness!  ttyl

Beautiful by Christina Aguilera
"Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly it's hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain, feel so ashamed"

Crazy by Gnarls Barkley
"Come on now, who do you
Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control?

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me"

Copied from MetroLyrics.com

Tuesday, August 28, 2012


Today was my appointment at ARMS, they did an ultrasound to look at the lining of the uterus and my folicular development... basically they measured the thickness of the lining and the size of my ovaries.  I did catch that my uterine lining was 8mm.  They also drew blood to look at my hormone levels.  I got the call this afternoon that everything looks fine and we are good to go for transfer on the fourth.  On the 30th (Thursday) I will go back to taking the Estradiol twice per day and start taking the prometrium 3 times a day.  On September 1st I will start the Medrol.  I was a little bothered this morning when I had to tell them we wanted to transfer two embryos instead of one (I had told them this a few times earlier both in email and phone but they have now made sure the order is correct.

Nothing much else on the fertility front - keep your fingers crossed for me.  I am excited and terrified all at the same time.  I did get a couple of other things taken care of...  I added a picture to Handsome's side of the bed and it doesn't look so lonely anymore.  The photo is a little grainy because the camera was focusing on Heidel (she's doing her Vanna White impression)

 I also finally got a chair for my crafting center.  Can you guess what color it is????  Now all I need is a bookshelf and a new bin for my wrapping paper and it will be all set.


Faithful John
"Everything which she has about her is of gold—-tables, chairs, dishes, glasses, bowls, and household furniture. Among thy treasures are five tons of gold; let one of the goldsmiths of the Kingdom work these up into all manner of vessels and utensils, into all kinds of birds, wild beasts and strange animals, such as may please her, and we will go there with them and try our luck."
Grimm, Jacob; Grimm, Wilhelm; Charles River Editors; Taylor, Edgar (2011-11-29). The Complete Brothers Grimm's Fairy Tales (Illustrated) (Kindle Locations 688-691). Unknown. Kindle Edition.

PS - its not gold ;)

Sunday, August 26, 2012


I promised last time that I would talk about the new acupuncture stuff. Saturday I had my fourth acupuncture treatment and the used a heat lamp over my abdomen to "help thicken the lining and warm my uterus in anticipation of my transfer next week.  Also last week she had me drinking an herbal tea and using an herbal stick.  The tea looks like Arizona dirt but luckily tastes similar to black tea (with maybe a little dirt thrown in)
 Here is my bag of specially mixed herbs.
 The special spoon I am supposed to use, Bremen ate my first one but I was able to get another yesterday.  Since he ate mine I had been using a half teaspoon - don't know what the measurement on the magic spoon is, I just know I am supposed to use three spoonfuls at least twice a day.
Tea time!
The stick looks like a cross between an incense stick and a cigar.  It is smokeless but you can smell it when it is lit.  I am supposed to light it and go in circles between my hipbones from belly button to pubic bone.  I have Handsome do it so I don't burn myself (I am supposed to be close enough to feel the heat but far enough I don't burn myself).  He thinks it is all voodoo but he indulges me and while he is doing it he makes goes "neeyurm, neeeyurm" like something is moving fast. 
Here is the herbal stick unlit.  I am also supposed to eat warming foods which include raspberries, which I like so I am snacking on those usually in the morning or at lunch, and things like peaches which I do not like so avoid.  They also recommended stews and soups and venison so Handsome made a venison stew/soup last week which was delicious.  Ultrasound appointment is coming up Tuesday, I will let you know how that goes.
The Turnip
"I understand the stars, and the signs of the Zodiac, and the tracks of the winds, the sand of the sea, the healing of illness, and the virtues of all herbs, birds, and stones."
Grimm, Jacob; Grimm, Wilhelm; Charles River Editors; Taylor, Edgar (2011-11-29). The Complete Brothers Grimm's Fairy Tales (Illustrated) (Kindle Locations 8943-8945). Unknown. Kindle Edition.

Thursday, August 23, 2012


Tomorrow I start my Estradiol three times per day.  I guess I will put the pills in my purse that way I will always have them whether I eat at home or out.  Everything seems to be ramping up - I increase my meds the 24th (tomorrow), I have my prep appointment where they will check lining and follicles on the 28th, I will start new medication the 30th and then the transfer is on September 4th.  Everyone keep your fingers crossed and good thoughts heading my way!

Yesterday morning I got to wait for the shower guy to come and tell me how much it would be to fix my shower.  I will preface this part of the post by saying I do NOT like this company.  The work is fine it is dealing with them that is such a hassle.  May of 2010, Handsome and I decide it was time to renovate our master bathroom.  We had the counter top replaced with granite tile, we had glass tile added around the bath, and we had the old fiberglass shower stall removed and replaced with porcelain tile.  We installed new brown glass vessel sinks and new satin nickel hardware.  Everything looked great.  The piece de resistance was a new frameless shower door also done in an amber/brown glass.  The problems started from the beginning. 

When the guy first came out to go over our options and give us an estimate we found out that they only work Monday through Friday, 8 am to 5pm.  Both Handsome and I work so this made it extremely hard to find a time we could both be there and this was a large investment that we both felt we should be there together.  When he came he originally gave us a quote for a semi-frameless door because he said it was too large an opening for a frameless door - whatever we could handle that.  We also had to remind him a few times about the type of handle we wanted and what side of the door it should be on.  Then the installers came to install it and again we had to take time off because they only came Monday through Friday, 8am to 5pm.  This was somewhat of a hassle but we were happy because the result looked great!  Although we did notice that there was no frame at all - we had gotten a fully frameless door. 
We brought this up but nobody seemed concerned and it seemed solid.  However, once we started using the shower we noticed water leaking out from under the shower door.  One their frequently asked questions page of their website they indicate it might be time for a new shower door if you are mopping up after showers, they also say "Because the installation is custom made to fit your particular bathroom, Century Shower Door can assure you that your framed unit will not leak and that each door will open and close properly. We offer a one year limited warranty on parts & labor, please ask to see our contract for the details of this warranty."  emphasis is mine - they try and sneak it in that they only warranty their framed units against leaks.  Nowhere does it say - framed units may experience some leakage.  After a week or two of the leaking, during which time we tried shorter showers, adjusting the showerhead, etc, we called them to have them come out and look.  It was during this time that I was told frameless showerdoors leak and they can' guarantee they won't.  I understood that some spray or some drops might get out but we were soaking through bathmats and towels.
This is the towel we started putting down to soak up the water during our showers.  The whole thing would be soaked.  The leaks were bad, especially for Handsome who is quite a bit taller than I am and lanky.  The water would pour off of his elbows and such and pool on the inside of the door and then seep out under the door and off the curb.  They came out and "adjusted" the door and sweep trying to make it closer to the tile and keep the water in.  This did not work.  I called them again but just didn't have the time or patience to take another day off work for them to come and do more adjustments.  They weren't offering any real solutions either.  So for over a year we continued using the towel when we took our showers.

We finally figured out (ourselves) that the problem was the shower curbing. 
See the curb that acts as a the threshold for the shower door is flat, it really should be slightly tipped inward so that water would flow back into the shower and then into the drain.  I called them again a little over a year ago and was told that I was out of warranty and that frameless shower doors leaked.  I could arrange a time (M-F, 8-5) for someone to come out but I was sick of trying to work with them.  So Handsome and I continued using the towel and trying to figure out some solution.  We thought of having the tile removed and reinstalled with the correct incline but I knew we would have to take the door off while that was happening and probably pay for them to remove and reinstall the door along with the cost of any tile work.  Finally I started looking at their website and found this:
A dam strip which goes below the door.  It is only about half and inch wide and a quarter of an inch tall but I wasn't sure about installation or if it would fit below the door.  I talked to Handsome about it and we decided to contact CSD (Century Shower Door) yet again asking about this possibility.  I wrote them an email asking about whether this would work, would it fit beneath the door, and other questions.  I gave them both my email and phone number saying that my preference was email contact.  After waiting almost a week I sent another email letting them know I hadn't heard anything.  Finally I get a snarky voicemail on my phone saying that he had called me multiple times last week and now he gets this email saying no one called me.  I was pretty mad because I had no missed calls and no voicemails so to me the guy is a liar.  Now we finally come to yesterday when I waited for the guy to come and give me a quote.  He says a dam strip may work but he can't guarantee against leaks - since I know the leaks are coming underneath and this will be siliconed in (is "siliconed" a word?) I am sure the leak issue will mainly disappear.  They are also going to replace all the polycarbonate - like the sweep and the stop and such.  All in all it comes to $200 which had I known the dam strip was available and was only going to be $200 I would have had this fixed 2 years ago. 

Once we get the damn strip in (pun intended) I will post a picture.  Below you can see the puddle which is already soaking into the bathmat and this is after a 4 minute shower by Handsome.


 I also pointed out some of the minor water damage we have been seeing even though we mop it up:

Well I will talk to you more tomorrow or Saturday and let you know about all the new acupuncture stuff I am doing including warming tea that looks like dirt, a weird warming cigar thingy and my diet. ttyl

The Bottle Neck
"The main mast was split asunder, the ship sprang a leak, and the pumps became useless, while all around was black as night."
Andersen, H. C. (Hans Christian) (2009-10-04). Fairy Tales of Hans Christian Andersen (Kindle Locations 941-942). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition.