Thursday, August 30, 2012

Crazy Beautiful

Only 5 more days until the transfer!!!  I am excited and terrified at the same time.  I try not and dwell on the terrified part and instead focus on the transfer working.   I also think the meds I am on mightbe driving me crazy.  I started the Prometrium today and I don't know if it is that, the combination, or the length of time I have been on the Estrace but my emotions are all over the place.  Remember too that I am on levothyroxine for my Hashimoto's Thyroidosis and you can see that I am taking all kind of hormones and I don't think my brain knows quite how to process them. 

One minute I am happy and bubbly and then next I want to burst into tears.  I go from feeling sexy, sensual and powerful (all men bow before me and recognize my beauty!) to feeling friendless, unwanted and so alone (if I went away would anyone even miss me?).  Some times I feel alien and totally diconnected and other times I feel like part of a whole, one with the universe in all it's complexity.  These extremes and the speed at which I can fluctuate between leave me feeling adrift and unsure of what is real, do I really feel/think/want something or is it just the medications?  It leaves me feeling out of control which is very difficult for me (I am a planner and I like to be in control).  Luckily I can hold on to the rational part of myself enough to realize that this is a temporary state and that the fluctuations are most likely due to the medications.  Even luckier I have Handsome, who acts as my anchor, a hand to hold when  I feel swept away.  He is being extra attentive and loving which helps immensely.

The Prometrium capsules look like little yellow eggs and I have to take them vaginally - not my favorite thing and I have to take it three times a day meaning at least once while at work - joy.  September 1st I will start taking Medrol which is not a hormone so hopefully I won't be adding to the crazyness.  I had acupuncture today and let Dr. Dana know that I was a little depressed.  She said she could help with that I do feel somewhat better but don't know if it was the needles or just the rest period I had during the acupuncture.  She did most of the same points today except instead of my wrist or forearm she did the top of my hand in between my thumb and index finger (back towards the wrist).  On my feet today (never a part of the body I like messed with) she did the topside of the foot near the base of the toes between the big toe and index toe (like where she did my hand but on my feet) my feet jumped all around like fish... I couldn't help it, I was very senitive.  Well keep those good thoughts coming my way and hopefully I will be past this hormone craziness soon and one to pregnancy craziness!  ttyl

Beautiful by Christina Aguilera
"Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly it's hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain, feel so ashamed"

Crazy by Gnarls Barkley
"Come on now, who do you
Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control?

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me"

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