I'm Not Dead Yet

Ok - so the title is the only thing I really remember from Monty Python.  I'm sorry it has been so long since I blogged.  I have been fairly busy this week and we went down to Tucson for my Mother-in-law's birthday.  We had a wonderful cookout at Handsome's brother's house and my Sister-in-law made hotdogs, brats and my favorite, grilled corn.  I will try and write more this week but next week we will be gone on our anniversary trip. ttyl

Ring Around The Rosy
"Ring around the rosy
Pockets full of posey
Ashes, ashes,
We all fall down!"

Getting back into it

Just a quick check in to let you guys know I am still alive.  Saturday was my brother's birthday so a "Happy Birthday" shout out to him.  My parents went up to take him out for lunch and stopped by the house on their way back home.  We got to show them the new security door our fixed shower and my completed craft center.  I don't know if I put it on here but when they came out to add the dam to the shower to stop the leak... it worked!!!!  It is so nice not to have to put down a towel every time we go to take a shower.  I went to acupuncture and had my hair cut.  Then Handsome and I went out to eat with friends at Cheuvront's for Restaurant Week.  Three courses for $30pp isn't bad.  My Salmon and cake were delicious!  Then I went out to a club with a girlfriend.  Towards the end of the night some guys started talking to us and she swapped numbers with one of them.  She's single so I hope it works out for her, after all I met Handsome at a bar ;) 

Sunday was a relaxing day,  Handsome cleaned out the tub so I took a relaxing bath and then watched some recorded shows.  Handsome played the computer all day until we went grocery shopping.  He grilled bison burgers (one of my favorites).  Work has been very busy lately and yesterday I didn't even get a chance to go out to lunch but luckily had some snacks in my desk.  Tonight is grill night so I am having lots of grilled corn and a teeny tiny tenderloin.  It was the smallest tenderloin they had and looks like it came out of a miniature cow - half the size of any of the other tenderloins. 

Today was CD1 so I called ARMS and will probably hear back from them tomorrow regarding drugs and my cycle.  The worst is the cramps - they seem to be really bad this time, hopefully they and my cycle are over soon. ttyl

This is an old song I used to play on the piano - super easy like mary had a little lamb easy (probably easier)

Dolly
"I dropped my dolly in the dirt
I asked her if it really hurt
But all my dolly said to me
Was wha-aa wha-aa wha wha wha
Was wha-aa wha-aa wha wha wha"

Moving forward

Sorry my last post was bare, there were a couple reasons for that.  First of all, I did that post from my phone and my phone only lets me enter text into the title not the post body.  Second, when I got home I just wasn't feeling in the mood to open up and talk about it with everyone.  Lastly I thought it kinda demonstrated the void I felt inside.  One thing I have always wanted is to be a mom, and it is so frustrating to hit roadblock after roadblock.

Thursday I went into ARMS to have my blood test, the nurse asked me if I had cheated (used a home pregnancy test). I told her "no" but the truth is I would have if I had a had a test at home but I was all out.  All day I waited and the longer I waited the more I expected bad news.  I think if it is positive news they call you right away but if it is bad news they wait until they have more time...  I don't know if that is how it really works but it is how it seems.  I wish they would just call right away - worrying about it all day just causes more stress and anxiety.  When I got the news from Dr. Moffitt I cried but to tell you the truth I think I knew deep down and that's why I had been having so many doubts lately. 

When I got home it got even harder.  Handsome got home and gave me a big hug.  Then he went to the gym.  It felt like he was avoiding me and when he got back it seemed even more so.  He barely said a word to me and didn't spend more than 5 minutes in the room with me.  At first I got mad and decided I would give him the silent treatment but soon figured out that we needed to communicate.  I asked him "what are you doing?!"  He asked what I meant and I said he didn't want to seem to be in the same room with me and wouldn't talk to me.  I asked if he was angry with me.  I had started crying and he came over and held me and said he wasn't angry at me.  He just held me for a while.  Afterwards we talked a bit and he said how frustrating he finds it and it makes him mad at the whole process.  He loves me though and as her said "he won't sell me to gypsies".  I told him I needed a bit more support and enthusiasm in the future (despite his inherent negativity) and he said he would try.  We decided to move into the next cycle as soon as possible so I stopped the Crinone (yay!) and and staying on the estradiol and levothyroxine.  I will call with my CD1 and they will give me a schedule.  We will have the transfer just after our anniversary trip so I should be nice a relaxed and ready.

We watched "What To Expect When You're Expecting" on Friday and kept laughing and teasing each other "that's how you will be!" It was a good movie although I thought they were a little light on some of the harder subjects.  I don't want to put any spoilers in here but one story in particular even Handsome thought was unrealistic.  Thank you to everyone who has sent me words of encouragement or support I appreciate it.  This was my cheat weekend, I had lots of wine (kinda thought I deserved it) and bad-for-me food but here on out I'm going to try and eat and stay healthy to make my body ready for next time.  ttyl

I think I've posted this before but it's home that keeps me going on, that and the support of friends family and most of all Handsome.

Hope is the Thing with Feathers by Emily Dickinson
"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me."

Not Pregnant

Button Up

Had a great weekend!  Saturday I got acupuncture and then Handsome and I went to the mall for lunch and met our friend Dezarai.  After lunch she and I went shopping while Handsome went to get his haircut.  Later our friends Oz and Keisha came over for a while before they went to the ASU game and we went to dinner.  We don't get to see them often because they live in Puerto Rico so it was great that they could make time for us while they were here in the States.  Keisha said I looked like I had lost weight which is always nice to hear and I do think I have been eating better and been more active.  Since the transfer I have been on an exercise vacation (no gym, no strenuous activities).  Anyways they are great and we had such a good time - lots of laughter!  Then we went to The House for dinner and they made the best virgin Paloma made from grapefruit juice, lime juice and lemon soda - it was the perfect blend of tart and sweet - so tasty!

Sunday I slept in while Handsome went out to the range for sporting clays.  When I got up I finally used my sewing machine to sew the button on my shorts!

Later I went shopping at Target, I was hoping to find some cute tops (no go), some cute PJs (done) and some more comfortable underwear.  See I typically wear the lace trimmed cotton thongs from Target.

However with the Crinone I have to use twice a day they really aren't very practical.  The underwear I had been using was scratchy so I went back to Target and found Hanes bikini which were guaranteed not to ride up.  They were in pretty colors and guess what they are actually pretty comfortable and it's true they do NOT ride up.  Handsome laughs because I call these my new pregnancy panties.

 



 

So Thursday is getting closer and I am feeling pretty terrified.  I try and stay positive and I know our chances (especially with two embryos transferred) is really good but I keep remembering the disappointment and, I hope I'm not being too dramatic, the despair of last time.  If anything I think Handsome is being more positive and optimistic.  He keeps telling me to take care of his babies and that I am filled up with his babies.  I guess we'll find out Thursday.  I talked to my acupuncturist a little about it, about how I was trying to stay positive but I was worried and she said to keep in mind that whatever  happens to remember that I have done all that is possible to make this happen - I almost started crying because while I do acknowledge that, it almost seems like a cop-out for not being more positive.  Its like I don't want to even let a negative thought cross my mind because what if it sticks?  Then when I try and focus on not thinking anything negative (what do you think about when I tell you not to think about elephants) I get more and more stressed when they inevitably cross my mind.  I want to feel super optimistic and positive but I am so scared.  I think its the waiting bits that are the worst.  Well enough scary stuff for now - I don't want to dwell.  I am trying to visualize those little embryos implanted and growing inside of me and the children they will become. ttyl

Buttons
"Buttons, a farthing a pair!
Come, who will buy them of me?
They're round and sound and pretty,
And fit for girls of the city.
Come, who will buy them of me?
Buttons, a farthing a pair!"

A Better Home

Hi!  Not much new today.  Went back to work where I had a pretty laid back day of data crunching.  Then I got home to find that the dogs had pooped and puked in the house.  I know the poop was Bremen, still a mystery who puked :(

I wanted to show you some pics of the things we had done around the house.

First on Saturday I did a little shopping at Target to finish up my crafting/sewing center.   Now all I need is a bin for my wrapping paper.  ooh and the mystery chair color was green - did anyone guess right?

 Here's an up close picture of the bookcase

(please ignore the wrapping paper mess until I can get a bin)

 ...and the decals on the side of the bookcase

Monday I cleaned out our master closet and the Cat Lounge (spare closet where we keep the litter box and she goes to find peace from the dogs.  Its rather large so we store a lot of crapstuff in there. While I was cleaning those out our washer decide to die in the middle of a load full of soapy water.  Originally we were told it would be Sunday before they could deliver but the delivered Wednesday.

I love it, and don't even mind using it.  We were leaving the energy guide on for a few days to make sure we don't have any hiccups with it.

We also had the shower guys come out and install the dam strip.  We will soon see if it resolves our leaking issue.  You can't even tell the dam strip is there!

And last but not least our new security door.  I have some pictures of it going in and then a pic of Handsome putting all the plants back - he's such a gardener, if I touch a plant it dies, and then a final pic.

The Three Little Pigs
"The third little pig met a man with a load of bricks, and said, "Please, man, give me those bricks to build a house with." So the man gave him the bricks, and he built his house with them.

So the wolf came, as he did to the other little pigs, and said, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in."

"No, no, by the hair of my chiny chin chin."

"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in."
Well, he huffed, and he puffed, and he huffed and he puffed, and he puffed and huffed; but he could not get the house down."

http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/type0124.html#halliwell

Couch Rest

Hi!  I'm back!  Handsome has allowed me off the couch to blog as long as I don't lift anything or do jumping jacks around the house - he's pretty strict :)

When we first got to ARMS there was another couple waiting and a second couple came in slightly after us. One of the Nurses called "Andrea" and I looked around but they were talking to the couple behind us. The guy from the first couple saw me look around and asked if all the women were named Andrea because his wife was Andrea as well!! Yes there were three Andreas in the waiting room although we all pronounced it slightly differently. I took it as a good omen :) 

We arrived around 10am and let them know that our acupuncturist would be there at 10:15.  She showed up on time and I asked for a room but it took another 15 minutes to get a room.  I started to stress the timing a little but the acupuncturist didn't seem very upset and it turned out the lab was running a little behind so we were all good.  I got acupuncture both before the procedure and directly afterwards.  I asked my husband to take few pictures, I though this was the best of the bunch (meaning I don't look too fat, have a stupid smile...).  This shows the ones in my feet and legs, I also had needles in my stomach, under wrists, between my eyes and two in each ear.  The feet ones make my feet jump when they are first put in and then I can barely feel them; the ears don't make me jump but seem to hurt longer than any of the others.

Hey you can see my cool nail polish - cool!  Lets all just not mention my thick ankles mmkay? The needles are a little hard to see with the white ends instead of a brighter color but there you go.

I had started timing my pee breaks that morning and figured if I had a glass of what every hour I had to go about every hour so I could have a full bladder for the procedure as requested.  Unfortunately when I ate breakfast it threw everything off and I peed 4 times, yes FOUR times between when I got there and when the transfer occurred.  That means 4 times between 10am and 11:40 or so I peed 4 times!  However when I went in for the transfer Dr. Johnson said my bladder was the perfect fullness!!  Yay!!  I still had to ask for a bed pan but only once during my hour long recuperation.

The transfer went well, Dr. Johnson talked me through it.  First he cleaned out some of the prometrium gel so it wouldn't get in the way.  Then they set up the ultrasound and threaded the catheter in, I couldn't even feel the cramp when he blew up the balloon.  He asked if I could see the tip of the catheter (I have to admit that most ultrasounds looks like TV static to me although I am getting better at seeing the ovaries and such.  However, I did see a little white dot and asked if that was it... it was.  He then called to the lab that he was ready (no "wet noodle" this time).  They verified my name and that we had five blastocysts and had thawed two.  Both blastocycts thawed beautifully and we were good to go.  The slid the tube with my babies through the catheter and squirted them in.  I asked for a picture and he printed two off.  Sorry the picture is a little blurry but the paper is a little glossy and hard to photograph.  My two babies are in the white spaceshipped sized blob towards the center of the large black round area.  Dr. Johnson wished me luck and said he felt really good about this transfer which is always nice to hear.

Don't worry if you can't figure it out just nod and say "oh yes" like I do with people's early ultrasounds!

The rest of the day I was on bedcouch rest.  We watched Date Night and some other TV and movies.  Handsome made delicious stew for us with organic grass fed beef - DELISH!!  Not much else to tell, currently meds are Estrace and Crinone twice per day.  If you have any questions leave a comment and I'll get back to you.  Tomorrow or Friday I should have some pics of our new security door, I new shower door jam, our new washing machine and my nearly competed crafting/sewing center. ttyl

Our next big day is the 13th when I go in for my blood pregnancy test.  Keep us in your thoughts! Love you guys!

Thirteenth Evening
"'But where do babies come from, then?' asked the girl. "'Why, an angel from heaven brings them under his cloak, but no man can see him; and that's why we never know when he brings them.'
Andersen, H. C. (Hans Christian) (2009-10-04). Fairy Tales of Hans Christian Andersen (Kindle Locations 6649-6650). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition.

Pre-Transfer Post

I'm getting super excited and super nervous for tomorrow.  I wanted to keep you guys in the loop and I will be on couch rest tomorrow so I thought I would drop a note today.  No pictures today but hopefully Wednesday. 

Saturday I started taking two 24mg methylprednisone which I will continue to take through tomorrow night, transfer day.  I take them at night before going to bed.  I am still taking the Prometrium three times a day and that's probably the worst since it likes to ooze out into my underwear if I don't go the the bathroom as soon as a I have the smallest inkling I might need to.  As long as I go the bathroom every hour and a half or so I seem to do okay.  Tonight with dinner, Bison burgers, I will take my first antibiotic as well as tomorrow morning with breakfast.  I will take my Valium with me to take 30 minutes prior to the transfer.

My transfer is scheduled for 11:00 am tomorrow and we will be getting there at 10:00 to meet my acupuncturist at 10:15.  I am going to see if Handsome will take some pictures of the pins so I can show you guys.  We will be transferring two blastocysts and then I will be getting post transfer acupuncture as well.  Then it will be back home for couch rest and lots of movie watching.

Got lots done this long weekend!  Saturday I purchased a small narrow bookcase for my craft/sewing desk.  I covered the back with a pretty floral paper, used paper tape on the front edges of the shelves and decorated the sides with some floral wall decals.  The only thing I am missing now is a bin for my wrapping paper but I decide to take the old pink one back and will be replacing it - pictures soon to come.  I also painted my nails.  All my finger nails look like crap after today (more about that in a moment) so I will be removing it tonight.  Toes still look great though - dark blue.

Sunday I had  GREAT day out shopping with a girlfriend.  I bought some great tops and a slammin' dress.  Maybe next weekend we can look at shoes.  I also found a great 50s inspired dress as White House Black Market but since I am going to be pregnant tomorrow I would only fit in it for a few weeks and then not be able to wear it again for 9+ so even though it was on sale and fit great I left it behind.

Then after a great day of shopping Handsome and I went out to Modern Steak and had a fabulous meal.  I had all natural beef - grass fed and no antibiotics or hormones.  It was so tender and delicious and we put crab truffle butter on top -delish!!! We had a butter poached crab with truffles for an appetizer and saved the left over butter for our steaks.  It was great and I can't wait to go back!

Today we decided to clean out our closet and our spare closet.  We took 7-9 bags of clothes, shoes, old electronics, etc. to Goodwill.  It feel so good to clean out and clean up spaces.  I realized that emotionally I felt like I was making room and cleaning up for the new life that we hope to be ours.  The only unfortunate thing today was our washer stopped in the middle of a cycle.  We tried to open up the back to look at it (sacrificing my nail job in the effort) but we couldn't figure it out.  The washer is at least 7 years old as it was in when we purchased the house and in all probability is probably over 10 years old.  So we took ourselves over to to Lowes and bought a new one - it will be delivered next Sunday.

Well until Wednesday comes - keep us in your thoughts! ttyl